Roderick Dixon

This Wednesday will be my first time ever going to his grave...I could never work myself up to go...I'll get half way there and turn around...and drive three hours back home..and be like next time that I go home, I will go..but I didn't...couldn't even make it within two miles of the site without crying and my sister having to stop the car..

I feel so different to the point where I isolate myself. I sometimes don't wanna do anything. My mind constantly wonders...twins have bonds that no one can believe or begin to understand...we thought alike...we said the same words at the same time..I can be in one room humming and thinking a song and he would come in and start saying it out loud and rapping it or singing it word for word....without even know that I was thinking it. You know he was the hype man at parties; always wanting the mike...lol.

When I am out, I am not always having a good time...but sometimes being around people is better than being alone. So it may seem like..''Oh I'm out and everything is fine''...but that is not the case at all. I just want to get out of the house..I walk by his room everyday and see that he is not there, looking at it exactly how he left it. So, I just close the door so I don't have to look in there. But do not get me wrong, some days are good and I go kick it.

My mother is stronger than she was or has ever been. She is one with God and one with Broderick, and she says ''Broderick said this to me...or Do this''She tries so hard to get me to talk, but I sometimes get angry. I am so protective of my brother and I do not want to talk about him all the time; she gets it some days and sometimes she don't. So, I find myself being mean, but not to her but just the situation itself. When she comes to visit, she will bring t shirts or something that she liked and bought. Yet she still buys for two, so I will have to remind her; only to hear her say it is hard or she is just used to buying for both of her twins. I go and put his stuff in his room, but often slip on his clothes when mine are dirty lol.

I know its not right...but I don't go to church like I used to. My pastor calls and states that he understands and will pray for me. He says for me to take my time. I, also, don't pray anymore. It's not that I don't believe in God...but sometimes question.

Okay, this is enough. Not even half of what I want to say..but getting some of my thoughts out!! Peace